A lot of my work with organizations has been about conflict resolution. I don’t know if there is more conflict out there that needs resolving, or if it’s just one of those trends that only seems deterministic. (You know, like when you run into five people in a week, all named Bartholomew.) Why people continue to ask me to help address organizational conflicts is a mystery. I mean, if I really knew something about conflict resolution, I’d be on tour through Baghdad, Jerusalem and south central L.A., right?
But the subject is topical, most days, in most organizations. The conflicts are many and common, from who gets what office to how much of a budget gets approved to whether or not the company should vertically integrate. The range also includes conflicts of mutual respect. These are the more intractable types of friction, because whenever there is mutual disrespect, there is more in conflict than the ostensible subject of discussion. If the emotion invested in the debate is greater than the subject logically warrants, it’s a clue that the underlying nature of the conflict is about emotions. People who feel disrespected do not quickly forgive the affront, nor forget it, because when we feel disrespected, it is always because we don’t respect ourselves in that moment.
Think about that. If we fully respected ourselves, then someone else’s disdain, accusations, insults and demeaning behavior would have exactly zero impact on how we feel about ourselves. We would note their behavior, dispassionately assessing what has caused it, trying to discover the purpose of the disrespectful communication. We would likely find that the person is threatened by us, irritated by our own behavior, habitually critical of others, narcissistic or motivated by some other reason that has nothing to do with us specifically. Our decision as to how to respond would be driven by a cost-benefit assessment, our values, our level of interdependency with the antagonist, economic need, etc. But we would not respond from fear or pain. There would be no anger, resentment, bitterness or feelings of helplessness that can accompany the feeling of being disrespected.
In a fascinating book written by Don Miguel Ruiz, called “The Four Agreements”, there are simple, yet conceptually elusive notions that can assist all of us to improve the quality of our lives each day. Ruiz describes the Toltec concept that our mind state is a function of agreements we make with ourselves, that is, the things we tell ourselves are true. We agree with ourselves to treat those things as facts. The idea he’s offering is that everyone’s emotional and intellectual state of mind is a function of their own beliefs and feelings, their own agreements. They have nothing to do with anyone else. Ruiz offers four such agreements that can displace self-destructive ones. One of the four is “Don’t take it personally”. If we agreed with ourselves that we have great worth and value, for no other reason than that we exist, then we would never be emotionally affected by the disdain or rejection contained in someone’s disrespectful behavior towards us. Now, as far as that concept goes, we could be talking about a saint or a sociopath. But Ruiz offers three other agreements, along with examples, that convince me he is not advocating superiority complexes and monstrous egoism. I invite you to learn the full set of four agreements by picking up his wonderful book.
Back to the conflict of mutual disrespect. Often I’m asked to be a mediator, to try to find a way to use language to break the deadlock of distrust and fear. I’m not asked for my help unless the organization’s health is jeopardized. An example is when the conflict of respect is between a talented CEO and the Chairman of the Board, or equal partners in a business, or board directors who have rights to their seats, etc. The approach I employ usually centers on first finding out whether they each have any capacity to forgive the other. If they don’t, I’m pretty much done.
The next step is to find ways they can make “trust deposits” in each other’s account, i.e., actions they can take to continue to earn forgiveness and build stronger trust. If they are willing to do this work, things get better. The final step is to help them see how their own self-disrespect is actually the source of conflict that needs resolving. I don’t often get to this last step, because it’s a touchy subject that people tend to avoid, which explains why their first reaction to disrespect is to blame the other person for their emotional reaction. But if I can complete steps one and two, that’s usually sufficient for the organization’s objectives.
I’d love to be able to engage more people in step three, however, because it would be a much more satisfying, long-term solution, for everybody. So by writing this column, perhaps I can spread the word a little wider. Before I get the call.