“Stan, they could pay me a whole lot less if they treated me better”, Jacob said as he sipped his standard morning black coffee at what we call Starbucks North. Jacob and I have been meeting at one or the other of two Starbucks about once a month for the last three years. The subject of our regular meetings has been an ongoing project to create a life that combines the best of what he loves about his work with a feeling of being appreciated and respected for his significant contributions.
Many of us start out working not really being welcomed into the corporate fold, not recognized for our unique talents nor treated with the respect that would nourish our souls. Maybe some people don’t admit to wanting respect, or maybe they just always have received deferential treatment and wouldn’t know how to recognize disrespect. I believe a lot of us have the inherent desire to be respected and appreciated.
And what does it mean to be respected? It starts with consideration, i.e., to be considered during the course of someone else’s actions or communication, to be thought about while someone decides how to behave or choose. A simple example is when Cheri, my wife, goes out on errands, she considers my needs and asks if there’s anything I need while she’s out. Another example is that when I am making dinner reservations for us prior to a night dancing Tango, I remember that she prefers vegan fare most of the time. We consider each other. In the workplace, it isn’t more complicated. The tone and content of interaction can convey respect or not. If a manager is putting together a meeting to solve a problem that involves sales and manufacturing, and doesn’t invite her sales manager to the meeting, it is because she didn’t consider that sales manager’s role and preferences before she invited people. She didn’t consider the fact that the sales manager is accountable for an area represented in the meeting.
Now you might say, “No experienced manager would make such a mistake”, and you’d be wrong, according to my extensive corporate field studies, and according to Jacob. Jacob is an executive vice president of a very successful investment company who focuses on development projects all around the U.S. After ten years working for the company, Jacob is personally responsible for over $8 billion in highly profitable investments. Without his high level of knowledge and negotiating skills, the company would have been lucky to accomplish even half that amount. And as his performance has excelled, so has his income. Jacob is probably one of the top three highest compensated employees in the company. So he should be happy with the money and not worry about respect, right?
I’ve often heard people who don’t have millions in the bank confidently assert that if they could legally earn that kind of money, they wouldn’t care if they worked with sweethearts or jerks. And then I’ve heard people who do have millions in the bank frequently complain about the poor relationships in their lives, wishing they could experience something more authentic and personal. From what I’ve seen, I don’t think a sense of completeness and satisfaction comes without respect.
Naturally, the respect we seek starts first and foremost with ourselves. We have to “stand up for ourselves” as we were told as young children, usually by someone who cared enough to point out that we wouldn’t get anyone else’s respect until we literally asked for it in a tangible way. And to do that, we have to take actions that come with risk. The schoolyard bully has to be confronted. The mooching brother-in-law has to be ejected from the household. The hostile co-worker has to be approached. The waiter has to be told when the food is cold. The actions we must take to preserve our self-respect, and thus to receive it from others, are many and varied, from the most elementary to life-threatening at times.
Jacob’s project has been to find that path to self-respect, and thus to free himself from needing the approval and recognition from people who are inconsiderate. We met this month to assess his progress on the design and execution of a business plan that would change his life. It’s taken this amount of time because at Jacob’s point in his career, and with a family to consider (there’s that word again), his actions will affect many others beyond just himself. It’s easy to quickly confront the issue and take the risk of loss associated when it is just us in harm’s way. Not so easy or quick a decision when family, friends and trusted colleagues might also be affected. Jacob is getting very close to a transition point, however. It’s been planned well, and it will no doubt come as a surprise to those from whom he would have loved to receive recognition. As I’ve said to Jacob, “They just don’t have the instruments on their dashboards. They can’t perceive the impact of their actions.” Empathic people, who typically know how to show respect of others, have a lot of dials and gauges to take in the information that allows them to behave considerately. Their dashboard looks like a Boeing jetliner. Jacob’s bosses’ panels look like soap box derby racers.
As we complete our meeting, Jacob asks rhetorically, “If you had a lush tree in the backyard that sprouted thousand dollar bills, wouldn’t you want to make sure it had good soil and water? Wouldn’t you want to protect it from strong winds? Wouldn’t you spend a little time making sure it was healthy?” I know of one money tree that’s about to grow legs, stand up and find a better back yard.