[This guest article is by Jana De Anda]
I am the proud mother of a gregarious, talkative, energetic and articulate five-year old daughter named Adaline whose light shines in every room she enters. The honor of that role is not lost on me and my gratitude for her runs deep.
I also co-founded and run a strategy execution consulting firm headquartered in San Diego, with a second office in Portland, which employs close to 30 people as of this year. We serve major brands through transformation efforts that require data-driven approaches, process optimization, innovation, strategic program design and change management.
I tell you all this as backdrop to this story. As an entrepreneur, a leader and a strategic consultant, I’m often mentally tapped at the end of the day, and I have trouble sleeping through the night most of the time.
On one particular night, I had awakened around 1:00 a.m. and was having a particularly hard time getting back to sleep. Around 4:00 a.m., I had just fallen back to sleep when my daughter woke up, asking to come sleep with my husband and I, as young kids often do.
Through groggy eyes and with an extreme desire to fall back asleep before that window of sleepiness passed me by again, I went to her room to help her migrate to our bed. After transferring all of her precious comfort toys (monkey, blanket, etc.), we settled in. My eyes started to close. Then she asked for water.
Adaline: “I’m thirsty Mommy.”
[I realize that her water bottle is empty…sigh]
Me: “Ok, your bottle is empty, but mine has water. Here’s mine.”
Adaline: “No Mommy! I don’t want your water bottle. I want mine.”
[I hold back tears because I realize that this is a losing battle and if I don’t walk downstairs to refill her water bottle, we’re going to go back and forth for a while and the sleepiness window that I’m desperately trying to hold onto will definitely pass…so I get up to go downstairs.]
Adaline: “I want to come with you Mommy!”
Me: “No! That is NOT happening!” I got up and stomped downstairs to refill her water bottle.
Adaline was quiet.
When I came back up, I handed her a full bottle of water in her preferred Bluey water cup.
Adaline said, “Mommy. You know when you talk to people that way, it hurts their feelings. And when you said that to me, it made my heart wrinkle.”
I instantly knew what she meant because my heart also wrinkled at her words while tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of the pain I had just caused her.
Me: “Honey, I’m so sorry. Mommy is very tired. I love you so much and I did not mean to make your heart wrinkle. I’ll do better next time.”
This late night experience reminded me of valuable life lessons I had forgotten in that moment, and solidified them for me:
#1 – Words matter, so choose them wisely
Not only did my words and tone impact her in this late-night exchange we shared, but her ability to clearly articulate what it feels like when someone hurts your feelings (“you made my heart wrinkle”) astounded me. It is such a beautiful and simple way to express a complex feeling. The way we’re all taught as adults to share our emotions through more complicated or mature vocabulary almost removes the pure feeling that she exquisitely expressed, sharing with me how I made her feel.
#2 – You can’t take care of others unless you first take care of yourself
We all know that we are not our best selves when we’re tired, not well-nourished or too stressed. These physical realities impact how we show up. It negatively impacts our interactions with others and our ability to show patience and kindness to one another. As a leader this reminder is so important. You can’t take care of others effectively unless you take care of yourself first. When we recognize that we are in a moment like this, in which we are in a physical or emotional deficit, we need to take extra care to avoid barking something that might make someone’s heart wrinkle.
#3 – Feedback is a gift
I recently told this story to a friend. She marveled at how amazing it is that my daughter was able to openly share how it made her feel. Not just that she could articulate it so creatively, but that she felt safe enough to tell me how she felt. I had overlooked that completely, but it’s true. The only reason I took a moment to learn from this is because she had the courage to share the impact of my brusque irritation. I would have missed the reflection opportunity she created had she not. It was a gift from her to me. As a leader, this open line of communication with team members, colleagues and clients is important to me. I value these gifts every time, so I must continue to make it safe for people to tell me their truth.
Needless to say, I didn’t get back to sleep that night after sitting and thinking about all of these lessons in life and leadership. I hope the benefits of this story extend to you. Let’s all try to make each other’s hearts wrinkle a bit less.
About The Author
Jana was born and raised in Beirut through active war where unpredictability and lack of permanence were part of daily life. She was highly influenced by her father’s entrepreneurial spirit and her mother’s resilience and pursuit of excellence as her family moved to the US. She took those life lessons forward over her career guiding Fortune 500 organizations through effective strategic execution to drive clear financial benefit. She is now President & Co-Founder of Excelerate.